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There are positives and negatives to being a nigga. Most of the negatives involve the police and America’s fucked up criminal justice system.

On the flip side, if America is attacked by terrorists soon, there’s a handful of cities that won’t be touched, or even thought about. The list includes Detroit, Atlanta, Memphis, New Orleans, Oakland, St. Louis – basically anywhere niggas reside.

Can you imagine Sabu – the terrorist – ever announcing: “We’re coming for Compton next!?” Hell no. Probably not going to happen. You won’t find terrorists at the swap meet, a rib shack, a weed shop, the liquor store, Foot Locker, or an STD clinic. These locales aren’t targets for extremists.

They go after the big fish: white people. That’s why I ain’t tripping about the whole Iran thing. If they’re on some revenge shit because of what happened to ol’ boy, I’m certain niggas will be safe from danger … cause when it comes to geopolitics and global warfare, niggas aren’t valuable assets or bargaining pieces. It’s really that simple.

In fact, we don’t even matter here in America – our own country. If we did, there wouldn’t have been a reason for us to start the movement, “black lives matter.” That proves one thing: if we aren’t dancing, dunking a basketball, singing a ballad, or frying chicken exceptionally well, then no one gives a fuck about black people – especially terrorists.

So relax niggas, we’re good.

Our president – yes, nigga, he’s your president too – recently did some gangster shit and tweeted a series of messages to the Iranian government, threatening to fuck them up again if they try to get revenge for their boy who was killed by a US air strike last week.

Trump’s tweets remind me of when my mom would give me an ass whooping and then dare me to complain about it or retaliate. It’s an experience every black child goes through.

Trump’s treating the leaders of other countries like they’re his bastard children, and I’m loving it. He may be the coldest white man of all time.

I’ve been scrolling through Facebook and Twitter to get an idea of what people in America think about the Iran situation. I’ve seen dozens of tweets from blacks apologizing to Iran.

One nigga tweeted: “This is Trump’s doing, not ours. Please spare us from your retaliation”.

For real?

That’s how y’all feel?

Should we beef up security at BET headquarters? Is the NAACP building at risk now? Y’all think they might attack Magic City in Atlanta?

Look, I’m not a terrorist. God put me on this earth for another reason – and it doesn’t involve blowing people – or buildings – the fuck up. It’s just not my thing.

However, if I were a terrorist, and I’m merely speculating, but if I were, I’d strive to be the Michael Jordan of terrorism. I’d wear a velvet trench coat strapped with dynamite, and I’d probably sport baby blue Timberland boots for style.

I’d only go after people who MATTER to elevate my status in the industry. I’d park my tank in the middle of a country music festival or Whole Foods and I’d fuck everybody up. That’s how terrorism is done.

I’d also go after the elite whites. The ones who monopolize natural resources like water and oxygen.

They offer more value in hostage situations.

Blacks only “matter” in a bojangles type of way – for entertainment.

There, I said it.

So, without further delay, here are 5 more reasons why terrorists ain’t wasting their time thinking about niggas:

1) Terrorists have standards (bigger fish to fry). I could be wrong, but a terrorist or group of terrorists would probably prefer to capture Bill Gates instead of Tyler Perry. Just sayin.

2) Terrorists want to be recognized for their actions. If a bomb goes off in the ghetto, non blacks and the media would probably assume it’s linked to a family barbecue explosion instead of a terrorist attack. That’s counterproductive for attention-seeking terrorist organizations like ISIS and Al Qaeda.

3) It wouldn’t be fun or rewarding for terrorists to attack black neighborhoods. All they’d have to do is leave a new pair of Jordan’s, a flat screen TV, some weed, or a Popeye’s chicken sandwich in the middle of the street, and niggas would kill each other for all that shit. Not enough of a challenge.

4) Black people would be the most annoying hostages EVER! Terrorists want captives who’ll obey instructions, and keep their mouths shut. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be for a group of terrorists if their hostages were people like Kanye West, Cardi B, or some loud ass nigga named JeMario. They don’t wanna hear niggas praying to God, speaking in tongues, or singing slave songs while they wait to be turned loose. That’s a terrorism nightmare.

5) Frankly, whites are easier to kill. They’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time. On the other hand, niggas have the survival instincts of rats and roaches. Ever watch a crackhead dodge traffic during rush hour? Ever see a whole group of niggas start running because they saw another nigga run? We’re programmed to survive. Terrorists can’t hang.

The Reporter Newspaper
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